The Dick

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"

"Poor."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, I mean pour."

Location: New York City, NY. Multiple bars on the Lower East Side, mainly a joint called, Tonic.

Time: Around 11 pm till 4 am.

Situation: I was visiting my best friend in New York City. She had just started at Columbia’s grad school, and I had just started grad school, so we thought what better way to celebrate that fact than going out and getting plastered.

I arrived via Boltbus on a Thursday afternoon, and got there with my hopes brimming that it was going to be a great weekend. Marie opened the door to her dad’s apartment, and there she was being mauled with homework. I instantly realized this was going to cause a dent in our fun, and gave her a pouty face.

Marie: Kate, what do you expect from me? I really need to get this shit done. I didn’t know I was going to have all of this shit.

Kate: I’m not worried, you’ll get it done, and then we’ll go have fun. While you do that, I’ll look up different places we can have dinner.

I smiled, and she frowned. She wanted me out of there, but my bus didn’t leave till Sunday. She was officially stuck with me.

The night we went out, we had dinner first at this little hole in the wall we always go to when I come to town. I love it because it’s unpretentious but still has a young following of hot executives, but no one really hits on anyone while they’re eating. So, in that scheme of things, it was probably a waste of time. But in the, I wanted to eat something fatty that would soak up the beer I was going to drink later that night, it made perfect sense.

The bar is relatively small, compacted, cramped (any word that sounds uncomfortable), and has about 80 people standing around it. It’s not the most logical of places. Her cousin, Matt met us up there, and we had a few drinks and left.

We headed back towards Marie’s house, and stopped at Tonic. We had been there a few years earlier. The first time this herd of men was taking up the dance floor, and we were being attacked on all ends of the spectrum. I remember watching my friend take it to the ground with her dance move, and the other just bent over swaying her butt back and forth. A man I was dancing with announced they all had fake ids, were in from some place in Jersey, and then began to jackrabbit me.

Like he was having a seizure, he banged into me so hard, for so long, I remember waking up and wondering how I stood there for one full song, and let that happen. I also questioned what kind of person I was after that, and I came up with that I was a pervert.

I decided this time we went to Tonic it would be different. No jackrabbit, maybe no dancing with strangers, just drinks with friends and laughs.

Just as I was beginning to like this place again, was dancing around to “Beautiful,” by Akon, two men approached.

Let me bottom line this: Two very creepy men. So creepy that I have never seen anyone look more evil in his or her eyes. I may be ridiculous, but I am saying this as fact. They smelled, had sinister smiles, too touchy off the bat, and I just wanted them to get the fuck away from us.

They both looked at me, and I gave a look that yelled, “Get away from us! You are disgusting,” so they immediately approached Marie. She’s nicer, more fun, flirtier, and doesn’t really give a shit.

They hit on her for a while, we’d leave a room, and they’d follow. We thought we lost them, they’d reappear putting their arms all over Marie, and she’d just smile while giving me the woman’s universal “help” look.

I needed a cigarette, and to get away from these douche bags for a minute. I walked outside, and the bouncer told me to walk around to the side to light up. I walked around, and saw some of Dick’s friends. I later named the leader of the pack, Dick, which you will see right now.

Friend #1: (extremely thick Russian accent) Your friend, likes our friend.

I had my back turned, and I yanked around, evil eyeing him for a few moments. This forced me into a diatribe, which lasted a few minutes on how that would never be the case.

Friend #2: Oh yes, she will be coming home with him tonight.

Who were these guys? I once again, strongly negated.

Friend #1: No, no, she wants to eat his dick.

As I stood I realized I had never met such a disgusting trifecta of men.

Friend #2: Yes, we can tell, she does. She wants it bad.

Friend #1: Yes, she will eat a dick, yes.

I let them know that we do not "eat" dick in the good ol' US of A.

Friend #2: Oh she’s feisty, do you like doing that too sweetheart?

As I hurriedly walked inside, I turned to the bouncer. He must have been 6’6, 350 pounds, maybe more, and he was just all around frightening.

Kate: Those guys over there are saying that my friend wants to give their friend a blowjob, and it’s totally inappropriate.

At first, I didn’t think he was going to take me seriously. He looked like the kind of guy that didn’t even have time for what I was saying, and maybe wasn’t listening.

Bouncer: Excuse me? What guys? Where?

He was pissed, like scary pissed, like breathing out of your nose with fire pissed.

Kate: Uh, those guys over there, and there are two inside. They are just being completely offensive.

Bouncer: They’ll be taken care of.

Kate: Oh, it’s not such a big deal. I guess they could’ve been joking. It’s okay.

Bouncer: No, I will take care of them. Go have fun.

I walked inside and saw Marie talking to Dick. I turned to him and let him know that I thought his friends were actually being beat to death outside, and he ran out the back door.

I never saw any of those guys again, but I did make a prognosis in my mind of what happened. The bouncer took them all outside, put them in a line, cut their penises off, and threw them in the dumpster.

When I woke up the next morning, I packed up all my stuff, hugged Marie good-bye, and lugged all of my four bags to the bus stop.

I reached my seat, sat down, looked out the window, and smiled. It was the first time I had ever missed Virginia men.