The Flasher

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"Alright, but stop me at one... make that one-thirty."

Location: Fast Eddies, Fairfax, VA (hey, I said I was a person of pattern).

Time: 11:41 pm till closing time.

Situation: My friend Mel and I had set up to go to the bar after work because she never works Mondays, and picked up a shift for our fellow co-worker.

Our other co-worker Keisha “Who gon check me boo?” was suppose to go with us but decided to be MIA for the evening. This greatly saddened us, so to replace our girlfriend I went with the next best choice, Bryan.

We all were just sitting around, having a few beers, shooting the shit, when the talk of flashing people aroused into the conversation.

I talked about how in my day; I have flashed a few people. This would normally embarrass or insinuate that I was some type of floozy, slut, hobag, whore, hussy, bitch stealing boyfriend, but sadly I am none of these things.

I’m just trying to make the men of tomorrow maybe a little happier. There is nothing wrong with an extra kick to someone’s step over a sexual overture.

Some people may think I do it for attention, and attention is great don’t get me wrong, but I can get it many other ways that don’t involve being a total pervert.

Sidebar: This was also in my young years. When kids are still trying to figure out who they are and who they are going to be. By this I mean, don’t judge me. It’s not worth it.

Mel: One time when I was driving home from a game, it was so hot outside my gay friend and I just got completely naked in the backseat.

Kate: What? I don’t even think that would make me any cooler.

Mel: It was okay though; it was just my gay friend and I, and a bunch of our girlfriends. No one looked.

Kate: Yeah right. One time when I was like 20 I was drinking in my car with my friends in the driveway at my house, and I just took my top off, and drank like that for a few hours.

Mel: Now that’s just bizarre. You are such a whore.

All of a sudden, a blonde, pale skinned man approaches me. Bryan had mentioned that he had been checking Mel and I out, but we both didn’t believe him. He was cute in a way. Kind of Fred Durst meets Lord of the Rings and might be a poetry major. Just saying this because he was wearing a beret.

Drew: I was overhearing some of your conversation, and just thought I would come over and say hi.

Kate: Hi.

Bryan: What exactly did you hear?

Mel: You heard us talking about flashing people and getting naked, didn’t you?

Drew: I just heard you all talking, and wanted to come over. Whad does id mattah whad I heard? You guys arrree cool, man.

He was stumbling hard with his words, his body, and definitely was not articulating.

Kate: So, you were listening to our conversation about being naked?

Drew: Yes, sounded awesome! And I have to come talk to these people.

Kate: Well, that’s very nice of you Drew. We were just getting into why Mel was buck-naked in the backseat of a car one time.

Drew: You are a cool girl.

Kate: Yeah, Drew she is cool. She also loves to have sex without a condom.

Drew: Wow, you’re great too and funny.

Bryan: You were checking them out before weren’t you Drew?

Mel: Yeah right, you were only checking Kate out, I saw you Drew. Kate will show you her boobs if you want her to.

Just then Mel grabs my v-neck with her finger, and tries to force it down.

Kate: We are not playing that way tonight, Mel.

Drew: Oh damn, what we got down there? I wouldn't mind taking a peak.

Kate: Okay, let’s go back to what Mel’s sex partner number is.

We continued talking normally, while Drew was standing there. I had to get her back for the drunkard she tried to push me on blogs ago, but it seemed to not be working the way I had hoped.

Finally, I told Drew it was nice to meet him, and he went back to his seat two barstools away.

Bryan: What was wrong with him? Kate, if you go home with him tonight I will be so proud of you.

Mel: Why would you want her to go home with him? I thought she was your friend.

Kate: You should lose respect for me if I did. And I’m only going home with him if Mel comes too.

Mel: Oh yeah, cause Bryan is not giving us the sex sandwich tonight.

Kate: No, he is sadly not. I call the beret.

As we joked about Drew, and saw him dance alone in front of his barstool, I sat thinking maybe I could talk to him. Maybe we could form a relationship, have a long courtship, get engaged, and maybe marriage? We would have little elves running around in no time.

Just as I was debating my case, a girl, a cute girl, walked in, and picked up some balls to play pool with Drew. Drew has a girl? A cute girl? To play pool with?

And just like that, I lost my soul mate.