The Pretender

"What's the story Norm?"

"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

Women all around the country are pretending. For some reason or another, we have all decided that everything we have ever known about ourselves, and everything we’ve always believed in, should be tossed into a bonfire, until our fragments of personality have been singed beyond recognition. As I watch my own livelihood go up in smoke, and many of my friends, I think what is the purpose for this? Why such great action with the possibility of no reaction?

The reason is simple: Men. We want them. Sometimes, we want them so badly, that we are willing to change ourselves completely, and become the ideal version of who we are. But no, that can’t be true.

My ideal does not pretend to enjoy things that I normally would abhor doing. My ideal enjoys writing and reading, and watching television, and sometimes spending obscene amounts of money on something I most likely will never wear.

Am I describing a stereotype? No, I am describing me. The woman every man hates. The aberrations are false; just like you like beer and sports, most of the time we like our own version of shallow shit.

I suppose it should be simple. We mold to the person we are dating. We want to understand their knowledge, and to understand it we must unearth it for ourselves. But to the degree that I generally run into, it seems to be abnormally high, and the fact is we can only fake it for so long. The things women normally only pretend to care about, luckily have a positive reaction. It creates instant gratification with men, and often, becomes something two people can bond over. The problem is, is it worth bonding over something superficial when it comes to matters of the heart?

Women today have gone too far. We are becoming submissive, and we can’t help ourselves. It’s not about important things anymore. It’s about believing that seeming overly promiscuous and actually, enjoying playing Madden will win over our guy in mind.

Do they win out in the end? Can we stop ourselves before it’s too late? The clock is ticking to just be yourself before we all become fem-bots of men’s idyllic reality.

Example #1: "Johnny Damon is so hot"

Women today love sports. It seems like you see women at sporting games much more often than ever before. My step-dad brought up a point that it’s a great place to meet men. “Men love seeing women at hockey games, the men are drunk, and just go up, chat them up about Ovechkin, and you’re in.”

But I know nothing about Ovechkin. I should pretend? Yes, he says, I should. The reason for this? Because some girl wearing her jersey like a bikini is right behind me with full knowledge of this man. She must have researched right before the game.

Women that get into football or baseball or even hockey, sometimes golf (for that old guy you’re crushing on), and throw it all around their facebooks/myspace/into conversations/wear jerseys at inopportune times to catch attention. Are you really excited for the game today? Thank God you got out of work early to watch Monday Night Football.

The real question is: whom do you want to be reading, hearing, or seeing this? Not me, I assume.

There are some women who actually are sports fanatics. They are not just shooting shit, hoping to catch a number, or to excite some guy for about 60 seconds. They have general smarts when it comes to the games.

You can catch these women fast too. They are the women who ask first. They do not wait to be asked. They are in your face, with statistics, player’s numbers, and quoting games from 1997.

I am in awe of these women and this is mostly, because I will never be one of these women. Not because I can’t watch a Red Sox double header (no idea what that means, faking it right here), and not get excited and scream the f-word and call the players losers, or because I can’t sit through a football game, and really root for someone because honestly, sometimes it feels good to root for someone.

But because they didn’t try for you, they did it for them. And that is something to be admired.

Example #2: “Oh yeah, I’d be down for that”

We are lying. Straight up lying 90% of the time. We are not down for threesomes, girl on girl, one night stands, anal sex, sending you perverted pictures, giving blow jobs, doing the 69 position (it’s not high school), role playing, or doing it in your parent’s house.

None of these at first glance are hot. Women do always say, “Well, maybe with the right person.” That is the first truth. Maybe with the right person we could do all of the above, and not think twice about it.

The chances you are the right person? Getting slimmer every time you ask.

But we will play it up. We will pretend. We will drunk text you, and tell you we were thinking about some raucous, raunchy night with you, and then randomly, pass out after said text. Is this alcohol coming in to save the day? Or are we running scared because we are just messing with your mind, and had no plans of anything we were saying?

I’m going to say a mixture of both.

Although women love to push the limits sexually, we may just be saying it. I can say, firsthand, we do not know why. We know we want you to get excited and want us, but the explanation after we decide it’s a no-go makes it counteract.

Men always love to say I know women who do this though, women that love doing this.

I have heard women say it too. I have heard women say they love giving blowjobs, and prefer it to sex. I have heard women say that they are bisexual, and would definitely allow a woman to come into their relationship. I have heard women say they enjoy anal over vaginal sex.

Never mind the crowd of men behind me salivating, barely catching their breath, as they linger on these women’s every word. Those women are clearly being honest.

Example #3: “I love your friends, they’re so funny”

I have always liked all my ex-boyfriends friends, kind of.

I think between your boyfriend’s friends and you, there is an oath being taken on arrival. We will be cordial, we will find one thing in common with each other, and if we do not get along, we will soak that one thing for all it’s worth.

I had a boyfriend where my best friend and him shared a common bond, which was smoking cigarettes. That was all they liked about each other. Otherwise, they couldn’t stand the sight of each other. But when they wanted a cigarette before bed, they couldn’t wait to see each other, and sit in silence, puffing.

Nothing is more awkward than meeting the friends. The fact is the friends are always going to slightly hate you. You are taking their friend away. And although, they are happy for you, and are grateful that you make their friend happy, you are still the person cockblocking their time with their friend.

That’s why in movies, television, books, any kind of media, when a girlfriend or wife leaves the boys alone, they all sigh, and say, “Thank God she’s gone.”

Did you ever notice they then go back to doing what they really want to do? That they can’t do it while she’s there? Pretending. It’s both sexes.

We all do love to pretend, but I guess I just don’t see the point sometimes. Will it keep me from someone if I’m not a fan of the Knicks, or if I don’t like the taste of beer, or if I can’t see why Tiger Woods is the shit? Will I get in trouble to be honest one day and say his disgusting friend, is indeed disgusting?

If that is a part of who you are, why does it have to be a part of who I am? I don’t really see that as a form of compromise. It seems more like an intense game of arm wrestling.

Perhaps, this is why I’m missing out on finding love. Maybe it should help I know the Phillies won tonight in the end of the 9^th inning. But I don’t think it will, and even if it did, I wouldn’t broadcast it.

I’d just put it in my blog.